DIAMONDS, PRESSURE, & ALL

In January and February of 2015, I was cast in my first bucket-list role: 1 of the 4-person cast of the musical I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!

A year and a half later, I’m reflecting upon not just how my health has changed (I’m 30 pounds heavier in these photos) but also my overall happiness.

I now can look back with compassion and a heart full of love for the girl I was. It’s been a tough 18 months, but you know what they say: Diamonds are made under pressure.

I had to dance in a slip and basically strip on stage, at a time where my weight was the highest and my self-love the lowest.

Comedic acting, belting as a classically trained singer, and risqué content centered around the ups and downs of relationships while mine was failing? Tough. Tough all around.

I was changing my focus to self-care, learning to make time and devote energy to things that bring my soul to life! Number one on that list? Performing.

It was exhausting, driving out to Conifer 2-3 days a week after long days of work… but it was so, so worth it.

The confidence I mustered came from doing all the things I’d told myself I couldn’t do. I couldn’t be funny, belt, dance, good enough to support one-fourth of a cast. Wrong!

And I didn’t wait until I felt like my best self to conquer these limitations… in fact, I did them smack-dab in the middle of my worst self: I’d been in denial of painful things, coping in unhealthy ways, hating and punishing myself for not heading in the right direction, and avoiding the right steps to a better life.

How have I changed? Yes, I went through a break up, which caused me to lose 30 pounds in a not-so-healthy way. But after the smoke cleared, I realized my body knew what it was doing: I was releasing a burden I was carrying with me for years. I was releasing the feeling of a disingenuous life. I was finally facing the shadows lingering in my soul.

I learned to not wait to “be” the thing before you do the thing (action creates inspiration just as much as the reverse). I learned to leap and the net will appear. I learned to not strive for “all-or-nothing”, but instead to strive for “always striving.”

I learned to give up the reigns of the past and the future, and to fully find my grasp on the now, which is where any and all of our control truly lay. I learned to realize that we never get it wrong, and we never get it done, and that life is a constant shifting from now-moment to now-moment, and we can always recalibrate, forgive ourselves, and move on.

AND I’M STILL LEARNING